Something's Gotta Give

 Okay, it's time to face facts. 

I am fat and I am can't get any fatter.


I mean seriously. 

My pre-pregnancy weight with my first child was 140-145 pounds and I didn't have to work that hard to stay at that weight. 

Fast forward 3 years and I now weigh a whopping...201 pounds.


Ugh. Ahhhhhh it feels good to say it out loud.


I gained 65 pounds with my first pregnancy and I never really tried to lose the weight because I knew my husband and I were wanting to have another baby sooner than later, and due to that, I just couldn't get motivated. "I am working so hard to lose weight when I am just going to get fat again." That was my mindset.


I did somehow manage to lose about 20 pounds before I became pregnant with my daughter, but then gained it all back.


Throughout my entire second pregnancy I was paranoid about gaining too much weight that I couldn't really relax.


Well now, present day, as we speak, I still can't relax. I am sadly 10 pounds heavier than the day I LEFT the hospital with my adorable baby girl.


I have to lose this weight. 

You may be thinking, "Don't be so hard on yourself, you had 2 babies in 2 years." Thanks, but I have to lose this weight.


I was in Ann Arbor, MI visiting my family and got a call from my doctor. My blood sugar was high when I came in to give blood before I left and I needed to come in for a fasting blood sugar reading. I interrupted my doctor and told him that I WAS fasting when I came in. 


"Oh." Long pause.


So now I have to go in for a 3 hour glucose and hemoglobin A1C test tomorrow morning and I am scared out of my mind super excited. (Hey, upside, I get to sit quietly in the doctor's office with my computer while my dear friend Robin wrangles my children.)


I was put on with the nurse to schedule my appointment and I asked her what it meant if I failed the test. She politely informed me that I would be diagnosed with diabetes, put on a treatment plan and we would go from there.


What?


I have had a history of high blood sugars, but never high fasting blood sugars. The only time I have ever had to take the 3 hour glucose test was during my pregnancies and I always passed.


So I am left here worried and wondering what this will mean for me, my family, my health, my insurance, my everything. I mean, it is one thing to want to lose weight. It is another thing to be told you have to because your life depends on it.


I have to get this weight off me, but it seems SO big and SO overwhelming that I feel like it is utterly impossible.

I am looking at losing 50+ pounds. That is impossible. I feel defeated before I even begin because I am totally ill equipped to do this.


Maybe I am jumping the gun, but still, this is scary. This is something that I have to do and I can't have somebody do for me. This is scary and seems beyond my reach.


I won't know what the outcome will be until later this week, but I am hoping this is just a really big wake-up call and not the real deal.


Until then, I am worried.