diaper bag humor

Babies come with a lot of baggage.

Let’s face it; all those gadgets, wipes and diapers have to go somewhere. Plus imagine if you are stranded at the mall of all places, with nothing to rely on but your wits and your properly stocked diaper bag?

It’s a jungle out there and you need to be prepared. That’s why; when my kids were younger I would never leave the house unless I was packin’ major diaper bag heat. 

7 Things You Should Always Have in Your Diaper Bag If You Want to be a Good Mother

(1) Diapers. I mean, obviously no idiot would leave the house without diapers in their diaper bag right? Where do you think you are going to be when the blow out of the century happens and you are out getting your daily stroll on down at the local trail. I’ll tell you where you will be, #%*& out of luck. (Pun intended.) If you don’t do anything right as a parent, just remember to do this and you will be okay.

(2) Wipes. So you are prepared and you have diapers on hand for the nasty of nastiest explosions. You even made a point to buy the extra fancy $$$ diapers to make you feel more like you are in control of this parenting thing. Well, what good is a fresh $25 diaper going to do you if you are still hiking out in the middle of nowhere and you have no wipes to wipe the chunks of your little chunk? I’ll tell you where you will be, #%*& out of luck. (Pun intended.) If you don’t do anything right as a parent, just remember this and you will be okay.

(3) Snacks. So you have your diapers, you’ve wiped the chunks and you are ready to get back to your stroll, when your baby decides it is time for a second breakfast or just a little snack to tie her over until lunch. You don’t have any snacks because all you could concentrate on was remembering the $$$ diapers and the wipes. So now you have to listen to your baby die of hunger while you try to lose whatever baby weight she made you gain in the first place. How can you be so vain? What kind of mother are you? What are you going to do? Forage for some berries that will probably poison your baby anyway? If you want any type of silence for any length of time, always bring the snacks. If not, where will you be? I’ll tell you where you will be, #%*& out of luck. If you don’t do anything right as a parent, just remember this and you will be okay.

(4) Pacifier. So you have your diapers, you’ve wiped the chunks, your little chunk is happily fed and you are getting your stride back when your baby decides its nap time, but does not want to nap in the stroller. You didn’t pack your pacifier, because Dr. WhoKnowsItAll wrote a book back in the 1902 stating that the children of parents who give them pacifiers to calm down instead of learning to soothe themselves, will end up on welfare and in therapy 3 times a week. I mean, these are the types of parents that are dog people and not cat people, because they have to work too hard to get their cat to love them, when all they have to do to Fido is throw that damn ball. I mean, come on, your baby has been changed, wiped, fed and is safe so why on earth would you do anything other than drop everything that is important to you in that moment and try your best to soothe your baby to sleep. The walking of course won’t lull her to sleep; I mean that would be too easy. Where will you be without that pacifier? I’ll tell you where you will be, #%*& out of luck. If you don’t do anything right as a parent, just remember this and you will be okay.

(5) Toys. So you have your diapers, you’ve wiped the chunks, your little chunk is happily fed, now rested with the help of the evil pacifier, you have had 9 solid minutes of hiking and now your baby decided she is bored and wants to play. God forbid she sit back and take in the beauty that is Mother Nature or listen to you talk to her as you point out the frolicking wildlife. Where would you be if you didn’t have the latest and greatest noisy, plastic toy to shove in her face while trying to finish your walk? I’ll tell you where you will be, #%*& out of luck. If you don’t do anything right as a parent, just remember this and you will be okay.

(6) Money. So you have your diapers, you’ve wiped the chunks, your little chunk is happily fed, now rested with the help of the evil pacifier, entertained for all of 1 second and your “hike” has now turned into a giant U-turn at the first sign of a hill. You are feeling dejected, beaten and you are in need of a pick me up. You spot the first coffee shop in town with an iced mocha and cupcake with your name on it. You reach into your bag and find everything you need except your wallet and your money. You check to see if there are any more snacks left, only to find your little chunk has happily eaten them all. Your caffeine headache begins to set in and you are miles away from where anyone can help you. No money is no bueno and without your coffee where will you be? I’ll tell you where you will be, #%*& out of luck. If you don’t do anything right as a parent, just remember this and you will be okay.

(7) A Sense of Humor. If you don’t do anything right as a parent, just remember this and you will be okay.

Tagged as: humor, motherhood